Wise Matchmaking Blog

Brooke’s latest from the Huffington Post: “How do you want to be remembered?”

No matter how many dating enthusiasts or experts I approach about this topic, I cannot get a straight answer.  How do you break it off?

The common answer is not so simplistic.  It involves multiple variables, but two stand out.  The length of the relationship and the known emotions of the other person are important because you are telling them politely but honestly—“you are not in my future.” In a perfect world, it would end with those simple words.

The world’s far from perfect.  So how important, then, is the delivery…

You can take the Jerry Maguire approach, a crowded restaurant so there will not be a scene.

You can give the not so subtle clue of ‘we need to talk and can I come to your place to do it.’

There’s the ‘Costanza’—‘it’s not you, it’s me.’  No matter what, it is the other person, and keep in mind that the ‘Costanza’ approach is borrowed from a single man who wore a wedding ring to attract more women.

There’s the ‘epiphany’ approach: ‘this is not the man/woman I am supposed to be with and even though my timing cannot possibly be more wrong and inappropriate–post-funerals, pre-medical boards, in the middle of an exotic vacation, I have to let you know this right now.’

The ‘fade-away’, usually reserved for three dates or less, has been utilized for relationships longer than some marriages.  I am simply going to disappear, never ever going to speak with you again.  The ghost (so it is now called) would seem to be impossible these days with social media, but it happens, and it’s the methodology I hear most often used.

The ghost is likely the easy, safe and convenient way out or it can be viewed as the most merciful.  Nobody wants to tell someone that ‘I actually prefer brunettes’ or ‘their career is not impressive’ or that ‘I feel like I’m kissing a friend’ or ‘I just feel nothing.’  Honesty can cut someone to their core.  Mercifully fading away might be a good option if you find it a disservice to be anything but honest.  The answer for the break-up, from your perspective, is usually concrete and largely superficial.  So it might be the ‘right’ thing to spare someone your honesty.

Continue reading on the Huffington Post:  How Do You Want to Be Remembered?

Categories:

Uncategorized

Brooke’s latest from The Huffington Post: “Why Must Every Day be a Hallmark Holiday?”

My clients want someone to share their moments with.

“I was alone on Valentine’s day…”

“I am not a Mother/Father and I’ve lost mine, so Mother’s/Father’s Day is a reliable day of sadness, grief,….”

I wonder, however, if some have fallen into the trap of trying to capture and script the moment and, in so doing, the moment has eluded them.

When will the day come when we stop ruining the moment because we are too busy trying to capture it?

I read a great piece recently about American Pharoah’s Triple Crown triumph at Belmont. The author lamented that the Sports Illustrated cover commemorating the moment depicted spectators capturing the horse’s triumph through the lenses in their phones instead of viewing the moment through the lenses in their eyes.

We’re all guilty of this. The script has to be sent to the random guy you knew in high school. You haven’t spoken to him since high school because he was the random guy. But somehow, you are compelled to let him know all about it.

These seminal moments have to be captured for the benefit of someone with whom we feel apathetic towards at best.  Nonetheless, we still pause our lives for the benefit of an audience we do not know and who cares little for us.

Continue Reading on The Huffington Post:  Why Must Every Day be a Hallmark Holiday?

Categories:

Uncategorized

Old Fashioned?

Mad Men wrapped last night.  The show itself captured a decade in time that transformed American culture.

Aside from introducing us to Jon Hamm, who is timeless, the show brought back the Old Fashioned.  That bourbon and rye have made a comeback is likely not an accident.

In my work, women still clamor for the “old fashioned” guy who will sweep them off of their feet.  Sideburns, skinny ties, and the Cadillac may go in and out of style, but that desire for the old fashioned man is not gone.

I will miss Mad Men for any number of reasons, from the superficial to the intensely introspective.  This is not a muse about the inequities of the male-dominated industry or the women who stood up in the face of it, it is more a thought about the term Old Fashioned and how many times I have heard it tossed around…and what it really means.

What does it mean to you?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Please email me at brooke@wisematchmaking.com.

Categories:

Uncategorized

The Tough Part of Dating

April 15th is rapidly approaching. I cannot help but think of the accountants out there.  They will have the unenviable task of reaffirming to their clients that there are one of two certainties in this life.

Dating carries a similar if not more visceral and unpredictable responsibility for those who wish to break bad news.  Telling someone that you are not interested or not telling someone you are not interested or even implying you are not interested through your body language, words, deeds, and actions can be tough.

Delivering the rejection might be more difficult than receiving it.

I do not know if there is a criteria or checklist in our figurative dating manuals.  I think that each person reacts differently to the rejection and the intuitive dater might have to go gentle into that good night or not go there at all.

For the receiver, there is sometimes no real emotional connection so much as a bruised ego.  For those rejections, my hope is that the person takes the hit, stays the course, and moves forward.  So too do I hope that the person who breaks the news does not abandon dating for the fear of letting another person down.

This is one of my more dour musings, but I think there is value in thinking about how you handle rejection and the manner in which you dispense it.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please email me at brooke@wisematchmaking.com.

Categories:

Uncategorized

The Decision

During the summer of 2010, LeBron James announced that he was “taking his talents to South Beach”.  For four years, the consensus among sports fans outside of perhaps Miami was that LeBron’s delivery and not so much the Decision itself was all wrong.

This Saturday night, many single men and women will be awaiting a Decision.  The Decision may be that he’s made any plans at all to take her out this Valentine’s Day.  The Decision may be a much-anticipated proposal.  The Decision may be as simple as the correct restaurant.  So the Decision (and Valentine’s Day falls on Saturday no less) will be scrutinized, no doubt overanalyzed, and will be met with all manner of judgment.

There’s no way to sugarcoat this as I have tried to do in my previous musings.  It’s a big night.  Both men and women can cling to rationalizations that this is a Hallmark holiday (and perhaps they’re right),  but I have found that to be an excuse nearly as old as the tradition itself.  I do not claim to know much about LeBron James, except that after his Decision from four years prior, he was compelled to make another Decision.  That Decision did not involve a press conference, a dedicated hour on ESPN, but rather a return to a jilted lover (Cleveland) and the seeking of forgiveness for his past transgression.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Categories:

Uncategorized