Wise Matchmaking Blog

Brooke’s latest from the Huffington Post: “How do you want to be remembered?”

No matter how many dating enthusiasts or experts I approach about this topic, I cannot get a straight answer.  How do you break it off?

The common answer is not so simplistic.  It involves multiple variables, but two stand out.  The length of the relationship and the known emotions of the other person are important because you are telling them politely but honestly—“you are not in my future.” In a perfect world, it would end with those simple words.

The world’s far from perfect.  So how important, then, is the delivery…

You can take the Jerry Maguire approach, a crowded restaurant so there will not be a scene.

You can give the not so subtle clue of ‘we need to talk and can I come to your place to do it.’

There’s the ‘Costanza’—‘it’s not you, it’s me.’  No matter what, it is the other person, and keep in mind that the ‘Costanza’ approach is borrowed from a single man who wore a wedding ring to attract more women.

There’s the ‘epiphany’ approach: ‘this is not the man/woman I am supposed to be with and even though my timing cannot possibly be more wrong and inappropriate–post-funerals, pre-medical boards, in the middle of an exotic vacation, I have to let you know this right now.’

The ‘fade-away’, usually reserved for three dates or less, has been utilized for relationships longer than some marriages.  I am simply going to disappear, never ever going to speak with you again.  The ghost (so it is now called) would seem to be impossible these days with social media, but it happens, and it’s the methodology I hear most often used.

The ghost is likely the easy, safe and convenient way out or it can be viewed as the most merciful.  Nobody wants to tell someone that ‘I actually prefer brunettes’ or ‘their career is not impressive’ or that ‘I feel like I’m kissing a friend’ or ‘I just feel nothing.’  Honesty can cut someone to their core.  Mercifully fading away might be a good option if you find it a disservice to be anything but honest.  The answer for the break-up, from your perspective, is usually concrete and largely superficial.  So it might be the ‘right’ thing to spare someone your honesty.

Continue reading on the Huffington Post:  How Do You Want to Be Remembered?



The Tough Part of Dating

April 15th is rapidly approaching. I cannot help but think of the accountants out there.  They will have the unenviable task of reaffirming to their clients that there are one of two certainties in this life.

Dating carries a similar if not more visceral and unpredictable responsibility for those who wish to break bad news.  Telling someone that you are not interested or not telling someone you are not interested or even implying you are not interested through your body language, words, deeds, and actions can be tough.

Delivering the rejection might be more difficult than receiving it.

I do not know if there is a criteria or checklist in our figurative dating manuals.  I think that each person reacts differently to the rejection and the intuitive dater might have to go gentle into that good night or not go there at all.

For the receiver, there is sometimes no real emotional connection so much as a bruised ego.  For those rejections, my hope is that the person takes the hit, stays the course, and moves forward.  So too do I hope that the person who breaks the news does not abandon dating for the fear of letting another person down.

This is one of my more dour musings, but I think there is value in thinking about how you handle rejection and the manner in which you dispense it.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please email me at brooke@wisematchmaking.com.